I thought I was going to lose this baby.
As soon as I suspected I was pregnant, I had a terrible feeling that something was going to go wrong. I don't know what set me off. The two pregnancy tests that came back negative even though I knew I was pregnant? The fact that I wasn't really very sick? The fact that the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat at 10 weeks?
I didn't really have a good reason. But that didn't stop the ache I felt. I prayed so hard, several times a day, that everything would be okay. That I would be able to keep this baby. But I never really felt any assurance.
Every day I expected something to go wrong. Every night I would ask Jon, "Do you think everything is okay with our baby?" and he would say, "Yes. Why?"
Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. The worry. The anxiety. The detachment I was forcing myself to feel because I was sure something would go wrong. Every mom-to-be feels worries about these things, but I was letting my fear swallow up all the joy and excitement I should have been feeling.
I put it all into the Lord's hands. It doesn't sound appropriate, but I made a deal with Him:
"I'll do everything I can to make sure this baby is healthy (you know, resisting the temptation to take illicit drugs or take up a tackle-football hobby) and the rest is in Your hands. I will stop worrying--I will believe that my baby will be completely healthy. And if You have another plan for this baby, please give me the courage to endure. But until I learn otherwise, I am going to assume that this baby is perfectly healthy and that I have no reason to worry. And I am going to be excited about it, and I am going to make plans without fear that they'll never happen."
It worked. Even when I went to the doctor at 12 weeks and he had to search for the heartbeat, I felt at peace. And yesterday when he picked up the heartbeat the second he touched my belly (love that sound), I let go of the last of my reservations.
Because having a baby really is all about faith. I can do my small part to make sure my baby is okay, but it really is in the Lord's hands. I still wish I had a personal ultrasound machine (or any ultrasounds before 20 weeks) because it's so hard for me to be dependent. But being able to let go and trust Him has been such a relief. You'd think I would have figured that out a long time ago...
"Keep Thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene--one step enough for me"
~Lead, Kindly Light
~Lead, Kindly Light
5 comments:
Oh Megan I am so so happy for you, and so relieved that everything went great and that your baby is doing wonderfully. What a relief! I can totally relate to all the confusing jumble of emotions. I've been there, and I still at almost 35 weeks feel scared and uncertain every now and then. It's true though, all we can do is just have faith and put our trust in the Lord... I'm learning that's what motherhood is all about.
good job megan! enjoy your baby and pregnancy.
I love this post! It expresses my feelings exactly, especially with this pregnancy. We've had so many friends who have had problems with their second pregnancy, that I was SURE something was going to happen. I was so convinced that something would go wrong that I wasn't letting myself get excited, and I kind of got into a little bout of depression. Finally, just like you, I realized that I had to turn it over to the Lord and just be happy with whatever happened. And that's where we are right now--just trusting and continuing in faith. Thanks for expressing everything so eloquently!
amen! I felt the exact same way. It is so debilitating to feel like you will lose the baby. Thanks for sharing your faith!
I'm glad everything is okay! It is always scary when you feel like you are not in control. I know that everything that happens is the Lord's will so that helps comfort me at times when I am in a ridiculous downwards spiral freaking out that something catastrophic is going to happen to me or my family. It is a great blessing to know we are an eternal family. What a wonderful gift!
Post a Comment