Too Close to Home

This has been breaking my heart for two days now:

Mormon Bishop Shot Dead in California

The sheer insanity of what happened...the complete and terrible randomness...it makes me sick.

Because it was just a strange coincidence that it happened in California. It could have been here, in my own ward. It could have been my bishop leaving a young family behind. It could have been my father-in-law. It could have been my dad.

I had nightmares all last night.

Thinking of his wife breaks my heart. Her days are probably still filled with caring for her six sons (one of whom is still an infant). But I don't think I could handle the nights. To crawl into bed alone. To wake up in the night and realize that he's not there. And to know that he's not there because of some terrible coincidence from over 20 years ago that until yesterday had nothing to do with you...the utter senselessness would be more than I could handle.

My prayers are with his family.

If you can, please donate here.

Relief Society Dinners

A good friend had a little baby girl last week (the first of many to come--our ward is full of round tummies at the moment). And what do all new mommies and their poor unskilled husbands need? Meals.

The casserole. King of the post-baby Relief Society meals.
Shown here (uncharacteristically) without any strange additions such as peas or tuna fish

When my friends have babies, I bring them dinner. Sometimes more than once. Because the last thing a new mom wants to do is drag herself off the couch and whip up something for dinner. Believe me, I remember. Besides, it's a grand excuse to get into their house and hold the new baby.

I had kind of a strange experience on Sunday. The Relief Society Compassionate Service Leader (who is another good friend) cornered me in the hallway at church--literally--and asked if I would bring Krystal dinner.

I had strangely mixed emotions about putting my name on that list. Absolutely, yes, I want to bring Krystal dinner. And, absolutely, yes, I think the Relief Society should help new moms with meals (and I can say that from experience, as I was somehow forgotten after I had Seth. Still bothers me a little bit). But I really like bringing meals because I am someone's friend, not because I was assigned to. I have no problem being assigned meals to people I don't know as well, but my good friends? I find that strange.

But I put my name down and got my assigned day (Tuesday). And I'm going to bring them something besides macaroni and cheese, which is apparently what they've been surviving off of. But I'm not doing it because I was assigned to. I'm doing it because I want to.

Maybe I'll bring another meal in later to make up for my weird sense of guilt...

What I Read

And by 'what I read' I mean websites. If you want to know what books I read, be my friend on Goodreads.

Websites I visit every day:

Google News


National Review Online
(I figure between this and Google News I'm getting a fairly well-rounded perspective on politics)


Cake Wrecks
(As a former bakery employee I find these pictures hilarious. And appalling. The commentary is fantastic, too.)


Facebook

(I know. I'm an addict. But at least I don't play any of the stupid games.)


Seriously So Blessed

(I hate that I love this blog. I hate it because I think those of us who read it tend to point to people we know and say, 'She is just like TAMN', when really, no one is as terrible as TAMN. But it's so horribly funny that I can't stop!)


NieNie Dialogues

(I'm not the biggest fan of her writing style, dress style, or decorating style, but reading about how she overcame and continues to overcome her huge challenges is inspiring. Puts things in perspective.)


CJane

(My favorite. I LOVE her writing.)



Websites I Visit Occasionally:


Allrecipes.com

(Great recipes, plus the comment sections give me TONS of help)



Homestarrunner.com

(Used to be every day until they stopped posting new things. Without warning.
A year ago. Poop on them.)



Wikipedia

(Useful for comparing book to movie plotlines and for figuring out what the Twilight books are called in Spanish. Take anything political you read with a grain of salt...)



Overheard in the Ward

(Warnick introduced me to this one. It's not updated often, but there are some fantastic gems in there.)



Websites I Tried to Like and Failed:

Dooce.com

(As a recovering cynic, I find her blog depressing. Is it possible for everything you encounter to irritate you in some way? Also not a huge fan of the language and Mormon bashing.)



The Pioneer Woman

(I read her --incredibly lengthy--love story and thought it was fantastic. I was totally sucked in. Then I finished and realized I didn't care about anything else on her blog. The end.)

How about you? What websites do you visit every day?

Telling my Baby

Some Things Don't Make Any Sense at All
by Judith Viorst

My mom says I'm her sugarplum.
My mom says I'm her lamb.
My mom says I'm completely perfect
Just the way I am.
My mom says I'm a super-special wonderful terrific little guy.
My mom just had another baby.
Why?

My son is two. He's walking (okay, running), talking, debating, and growing bigger every day. But I still call him my baby. If you ask, "Seth, where's the baby?", he'll point at his own face and grin. I love it.

So how do I tell my baby that he's not going to be the baby for much longer? That since he was born it's been Seth, Mommy & Daddy, but now it will be Seth, Mommy, Daddy, and little baby who takes all our time and attention? It's going to be a real shock. And it breaks my heart.

Yes, I am excited for our new little one. Yes, I think Seth will be an awesome big brother once he realizes that the baby isn't leaving. But this is my son who cries and clings to my leg if I hold anyone else's baby. He loves babies, until I pick them up. Then you should see the look of betrayal in his eyes...

How do I tell my baby about my baby?

Because apparently you really do forget...

My baby is apple-sized this week!
(Image from www.babycenter.com)

I realized with Seth that I never recorded my first trimester pregnancy experience since we didn't tell anyone until the second trimester (notice a pattern?). I remember general feelings, but not exact timing. So, for the sake of my sweet husband, who keeps telling me that yes, I did do this with Seth, and no, it's not any worse/better than it was with Seth, here's how this pregnancy has run down so far:

Week 4: Pregnancy brain kicks in. Which means I do things like leaving food sitting in the oven for two days (turned it off, forgot to remove food). Or send my husband a fork to eat his soup with. Also took 2 pregnancy tests, both of which were negative. I'm not convinced.

Week 5: Exhaustion. With Seth I could take 2 hour naps and then sleep 10 hours at night. This time I'm so tired, but I have a hard time sleeping because my brain won't turn off. Not fair. Apparently 3rd time's the charm with pregnancy tests this time...oh, and ran 5K #1 this week, which explains my terrible time.

Week 6: Expecting nausea to kick in any day. Doesn't happen.

Week 7: Starting to think I'm getting off easy in the morning sickness department. The nightly headaches are pretty miserable though (and a new one for me). And these dreams are nuts. I bet Stephanie Meyer could get some great material from these suckers...

Week 8: Blaagghbleck. Why did I think I wanted to have another child? This morning sickness is nicer than Seth's in some ways (I have never had to run to the toilet) but crueler in others (I crave something, I eat it, then I can't stand the thought or smell of it again. My food options become limited quickly). My only constant craving is Arby's. Mmmm...curly fries, beef, and fake cheddar cheese. So disgusting, but so good. I limited myself to three indulgences. I craved Arby's with Seth, too. I don't get it...

Actually, I do. I found that I'm craving things I ate as a kid. Unfortunately, I was a ridiculously picky child, so the things I ate as a kid include: pizza, Spaghettios with cheese, cheap alfredo sauce, Pasta Roni, and 'enchiladas' made with cream of chicken soup and sour cream. How I managed to not gain any weight so far is beyond me. And just thinking about fruit and vegetables makes me gag. NOT FAIR.

Week 9: Can't wear any of my skinny pants anymore. Not cool. And heartburn, already? NOT COOL.

Week 10: Apparently it's time to start sleeping in my sports bra again. Ouch. And how am I supposed to keep this belly hidden for another month?

Week 11: Some days I feel better. Some days I feel rotten. As long as I eat every 2-3 hours, I'm usually good. I'm sick Sunday nights and Mondays because I can't eat for the 3+ hours I'm at church. I made the bed for the first time in over a month this week. And put away the laundry that had been sitting in our room for two weeks. See? Progress.

Weeks 12-14: Generally feeling human again. I still have a hard time falling asleep, even when I'm completely exhausted. Not sure what to do about that one... Heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks--my doctor said it was strong (although it took him a long time to find it, which scared me to death).

Week 15: Definitely showing at this point. And clenching my teeth while sleeping, which leads to head and jaw aches (another new one). I still can't stand the smell of garlic, but other than that I'm feeling pretty dang good. Oh, and 5K #2.

To be honest, I really feel blessed so far in this pregnancy. I was terrified of the idea of being morning sick and exhausted with a two year old, but I've been able to keep him entertained. We haven't done all the things I would have liked to do this summer, but hopefully I can make it up to him now that I feel better.

And to answer Dawn's question: why did we wait so long to tell everyone? First, because we knew we were going to see Jon's family for Aaron's homecoming and that we could surprise everyone. Otherwise I don't think we would have waited so long.

Second, because I like keeping people guessing. I'm a punk, I know.

But probably the biggest reason is that we are both really private people. If something had gone wrong, we're not the types who are okay with announcing it to the whole world. I'm still not entirely comfortable with the news being out in the open since it's been a month since I heard the heartbeat (and we won't get an ultrasound until 18-20 weeks). But since I look like I swallowed half a cantaloupe, it's kind of out of my hands.

FYI, this is not going to turn into a pregnancy blog, though it might seem like it for a little while. I have lots of completely pregnancy/baby-free topics lined up for those who tire of those topics easily.

How to Hide a Pregnancy for 15 weeks

• Tshirts. Lots of Tshirts.

• If you can't wear a T-shirt (curse you, Sundays) always wear a tight undershirt. Keeps things tucked it.
• High waisted skirts/pants
  
• Hibernation
• Blame your exhaustion on your toddler. It's mostly true anyway.
• Sneak food during church. Bathroom stalls work when you're desperate (and I was).
• Make sure everyone who asks knows that you're still scared to have another kid. Because it's true.
• Quit exercising. You don't want to anyway--might as well have an easy excuse for your pudginess.
• Be Bands.
• Padded bras. The bigger you are on top, the smaller you look below.
• Develop a sudden affinity for Tylenol. Ibuprofen never works for you anyway (even though that's all you usually have in your cupboard).
• You never liked raw cookie dough. It makes you sick. So do eggs-over-easy, sushi, and soft cheeses.
  
• Move across the country from any family members who could be watching for signs.
• Carry a book, purse, or toddler in front of your belly.
• Sneak your prenatal vitamins in before dinner guests arrive.
• If someone catches you eating your between-meal snack, claim to have skipped breakfast.
  
• Swimming suits = bad. Avoid whenever possible.

• Lie.
  

Belly pictures, anyone?

Guess all that stuff about showing sooner is true. Darn.

15 1/2 weeks with baby #2

15 weeks along with Seth

Would you believe me if I told you I not only weighed more the first time around, but that I had actually gained more weight in that picture, too?

I didn't think so. But it's true.

And I cropped my head off because I looked ugly. So there.

Inadequate

As I mentioned before, I do a lot of things well. In fact, I feel pretty confident about 95% of the things that I have to do in life. As far as I can remember, I've always been like that. Chalk that one up to having awesome parents and teachers.

What you may not realize is that this comes with a dark side. Because I am competent in so many things, it's extremely difficult for me to do something I'm not good at. If I don't already know that I'll be good at whatever it is, I don't want to do it. I don't want people to see me doing something I might not succeed at.

Quick example: I had a friend in high school who was dying to get us all to learn to play Settlers. Growing up, my family played very few strategy games. Life and Sorry were about as strategic as it got. So I refused to learn. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I learned to play in college and LOVED it.

Want another example? Ask me sometime about my first date with Jon. That was painful.

For the most part, I've learned to deal with it. I've accepted that there are things that I simply will never be good at. Like dancing. That doesn't bother me anymore. I've also gotten to the point where I am okay with learning to do something new, even if I might fail at it.

What I can't figure out how to do is accept my inadequacy in something I feel like I'm competent in. When I feel like I am putting my very best effort out there and things are still falling apart. I don't do well with that.

I've been in this calling now for almost two years. Everyone told me that working with the Young Women would be one of the hardest callings I'd ever get, both in terms of time involved and emotional investment.

I've felt the burden of the 'time involved' part for a long time. But I've gotten used to it (generally). But the emotional burden didn't seem so bad. I've been blessed to work with a fantastic group of girls who seem to genuinely love being in there. Sure, there are one or two who we worry over a little, but nothing impossible to deal with.

Until recently.

I feel like in the last month or two, I've just lost control. I'm still planning the activities, still trying to teach lessons that the girls will relate to and learn from, but I feel like I'm hitting a wall. Sunday lessons are out of control. Tuesday activities are 'boring' unless I let them just eat snacks and chat the entire time. Girls are feeling lonely, unaccepted, and hurt. Basically, the Spirit is just gone. And I don't know what to do.

I tell myself that maybe they're just getting worked up because school is about to start. Maybe they're upset because the dynamic of the class keeps changing (half our class will turn 14 and leave by the end of September). Maybe I just need to be better about keeping the off-subject comments and distractions in class to a minimum.

But I can't help thinking that maybe it's me. I have no doubt that I was supposed to be in there, but maybe my time is done. Maybe they need something I can't give them. Or maybe I'm just tired and emotionally drained. Either way, I'm having a hard time. For the first time since I've been in here, I don't like coming to activities. Not a good place for a leader to be.

I had a tearful conversation with Heavenly Father last night. I told him that if I'm really still supposed to be here that I need help. I need help to be excited about my calling again. I need help to know how to bring the Spirit back. Because I'm doing my best and it just isn't good enough.

And you know what? I feel better this morning. I realized that I can't do it alone. But I can do it with His help. These are His daughters. I don't know how to get a particular girl to come to class instead of roaming the halls (I've tried everything). But He does. I don't know how to relate to a girl whose childhood was so completely and tragically different than mine. But He does.

I've been trying to do it all on my own. Guess it's about time I asked for help from the One who knows them best...