As I mentioned before, I do a lot of things well. In fact, I feel pretty confident about 95% of the things that I have to do in life. As far as I can remember, I've always been like that. Chalk that one up to having awesome parents and teachers.
What you may not realize is that this comes with a dark side. Because I am competent in so many things, it's extremely difficult for me to do something I'm not good at. If I don't already know that I'll be good at whatever it is, I don't want to do it. I don't want people to see me doing something I might not succeed at.
Quick example: I had a friend in high school who was dying to get us all to learn to play Settlers. Growing up, my family played very few strategy games. Life and Sorry were about as strategic as it got. So I refused to learn. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I learned to play in college and LOVED it.
Want another example? Ask me sometime about my first date with Jon. That was painful.
For the most part, I've learned to deal with it. I've accepted that there are things that I simply will never be good at. Like dancing. That doesn't bother me anymore. I've also gotten to the point where I am okay with learning to do something new, even if I might fail at it.
What I can't figure out how to do is accept my inadequacy in something I feel like I'm competent in. When I feel like I am putting my very best effort out there and things are still falling apart. I don't do well with that.
I've been in this calling now for almost two years. Everyone told me that working with the Young Women would be one of the hardest callings I'd ever get, both in terms of time involved and emotional investment.
I've felt the burden of the 'time involved' part for a long time. But I've gotten used to it (generally). But the emotional burden didn't seem so bad. I've been blessed to work with a fantastic group of girls who seem to genuinely love being in there. Sure, there are one or two who we worry over a little, but nothing impossible to deal with.
Until recently.
I feel like in the last month or two, I've just lost control. I'm still planning the activities, still trying to teach lessons that the girls will relate to and learn from, but I feel like I'm hitting a wall. Sunday lessons are out of control. Tuesday activities are 'boring' unless I let them just eat snacks and chat the entire time. Girls are feeling lonely, unaccepted, and hurt. Basically, the Spirit is just gone. And I don't know what to do.
I tell myself that maybe they're just getting worked up because school is about to start. Maybe they're upset because the dynamic of the class keeps changing (half our class will turn 14 and leave by the end of September). Maybe I just need to be better about keeping the off-subject comments and distractions in class to a minimum.
But I can't help thinking that maybe it's me. I have no doubt that I was supposed to be in there, but maybe my time is done. Maybe they need something I can't give them. Or maybe I'm just tired and emotionally drained. Either way, I'm having a hard time. For the first time since I've been in here, I don't like coming to activities. Not a good place for a leader to be.
I had a tearful conversation with Heavenly Father last night. I told him that if I'm really still supposed to be here that I need help. I need help to be excited about my calling again. I need help to know how to bring the Spirit back. Because I'm doing my best and it just isn't good enough.
And you know what? I feel better this morning. I realized that I can't do it alone. But I can do it with His help. These are His daughters. I don't know how to get a particular girl to come to class instead of roaming the halls (I've tried everything). But He does. I don't know how to relate to a girl whose childhood was so completely and tragically different than mine. But He does.
I've been trying to do it all on my own. Guess it's about time I asked for help from the One who knows them best...
5 comments:
Afraid you learned that "do it by myself" attitude from your parents too... I'm still learning/relearning that I need to swallow my pride and ask the One who knows!
So first off, I LOVE reading this new blog! You always have the most interesting thoughts! Second, when I started reading this post, I felt like you were totally describing me! That is EXACTLY how I am! I hate doing anything that I might not be good at or know I'm not good at! Good luck with everything! I miss you!
Megan,
This sounds rough and hard.
You know I"ve always felt like you have had very demanding jobs in our ward ever since you moved in. (And you serve so willingly and do a great job!)The one day when I read the one post on this blog where you mention that you have had a pretty good life, no huge, major trials... I thought maybe this is one reason why you have demanding jobs in church. I don't mean that as in punishment, but simply in, maybe your service in the church is your "big" life lesson\trial right now. Your Garden of Gethsemie. Does that make sense? I hope this is coming out right.
And I think you do a wonderful job. And the fact you are going to the Lord with your problems and feelings shows how much you want to do His will and how much you love your YW. He will work it out.
Megan, I struggle all the time seeking the Lord's help and guidance. All the time. I'm constantly having to repent and try again. (I could have written a similar post about my role as a mother and wife!) Relying on yourself and not the Lord is not always a pride thing. For me, its a coping mechanism I developed that I don't need anymore. But a horrible habit now. I only tell you this to say: you are not alone in these struggles.
Hang in there. I will pray for the Y.W. and for you.
Oh Megan I love reading your thoughts and feelings and how honest and open you are. You are such a good example to me and I look up to you more then you will ever know. I can't even imagine how discouraging and tough it must be... especially knowing now that you are pregnant and probably just exhausted all the time. You are absolutely on the right track though in seeking Heavenly Fathers guidance and help. He will strengthen you so much and give you the help and inspiration that you need. Things will work out, hang in there Megan!
Dawn, I think you are definitely right. It seems like most of my biggest struggles have been from callings (and especially callings in YW). In retrospect I really appreciate the growth and understanding I get, but in the moment it's hard. Really hard. Thank you for the prayers. I need them!!
Sommer, you are too sweet! I think it's funny that you look up to me--I am seriously always thinking 'What would Sommer do in this situation?' I wish I were as thoughtful and empathetic as you! And you're right--pregnancy has definitely not been helping my attitude...at least the secret's out now!
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