My Life: A Study in Conflict-Avoidance

I do a lot of things pretty well.  That's going to come across cocky, but it's not meant to.  I was just blessed with some fantastic people in my life who taught me many 'life lessons.'  Like that losing my temper in front of all the Young Women wasn't going to make our leaders show up to church on time. 

Generally I feel pretty competent about my life.  I feel like I can handle whatever gets thrown at me.

Except conflict. 

I know--no one likes conflict.  Okay, no well-adjusted people like conflict.  But what I have is more than just a dislike.  It's a full blown phobia.  Dealing with conflict (or just thinking about dealing with conflict) makes me literally sick.  I shake. I get nauseous. I don't sleep.

Example: I worked for a few months as a cold-caller for a website developer.  I did surveys--not sales.  But they were surveys with the intent to make sales later. 

No one likes cold callers.  I don't like cold callers.  But I was desperate for a job.

It was bad.  Really bad.  Every night before work I would be sick.  I would be in tears, trying to figure out how to get out of this mess.  "Just quit," Jon said.  Great idea, except then I'd have to confront my boss (another conflict).

So I kept doing it.  Until I literally could not do it anymore.  Then I went into work, sent off an "I quit" email to my boss (who was out of the office, hallelujah!), and never looked back.  Conflict avoided.

But that's not the worst I've done.  I got engaged at 18 because I was too afraid of conflict to break up with him.  That's a story for later.

In many ways I've gotten better, but it's still a huge issue for me.  I learned that (again) last night.

It was a bad night.  I could have gone to sleep at 6:30 and slept all night long.  By 5:30 pm I had already popped two Tylenol for a monster headache that was coming on.  All I wanted to do was lay on the couch and die.  But it was Tuesday night.  Young Women.  So at 6:30 pm, I headed out the door.

Add to my already exhausted state one exhausted toddler.  Jon had an audit, which meant I had Seth, who is usually in bed by 7:30 (Young Women goes from 7 to 8 pm).

Ready for some math?

1 non-functioning Megan+1 completely exhausted toddler+5 thirteen year old girls with no volume control in an 8 by 16 'room'=a bad night

To be honest, I missed what happened.  I was 80% checked out and the noise level in the room was incredible.  But something happened.   And someone was hurt.  I didn't find out until later, when everything exploded.

So here I am again, in the middle of a conflict.  I want to stick my head in the sand--to go on vacation until it blows over.  I even asked Jon if we could move just across the ward boundaries ("No").  But I can't.  I have to deal with it.  Because I won't get any sleep until I do.

(What are the odds of getting released because of 'drama allergies'?)

(Days like this make me reconsider my desires for a daughter.  Unless she could somehow magically skip from 12 to 17).